So tired and so longing I take your hand to find a place of your belonging. I move to places where I can see you standing and find the Door that I can walk Hand to Hand In.
Jesus I love your presence and I am tired of my own disgrace. Oh please my Jesus, take me into this mercy place. I am so confused by my fear of this messed of love I don’t know how to fix it except to just to trust you with Your love. My heart is shaken by the abuse of being used and tossed aside so many times, I just don’t know how to dream of anything without feeling like I am taking advantage of your loving side. I know the answer will only come by me facing this death to anything I want to hope for, but rather to trust you and allow you to bring me through this death once more. So I die to my own need for the desired affection to be my source of Love from the one I lay beside instead I hold onto you for it is in you my soul will confide. In my husband I want to bring pleasure to His door but help my not to expect the place of pleasure like at your door. So Jesus Instep into you looking deeply at me. I am so tired of facing the anger that has been built inside of me. I want to cry out loud, please stop using me. I am not a tool or a failure I am a beautiful women. I have been created with Purpose and I have been created with Love. I have been created to bring Hope to the ones I love. I may not have the outer beauty I had at times when I was young, but I believe deep inside is someone who can be loved. So please look beyond this fat and ugly body and look deep inside I have a deeper beauty I wish you could see inside. When I am with you I feel like I am your failure and that our love is at deaths door. I don’t want it to be there but I feel like I can’t keep score of the countless times you have used me and expected my arms to move to remove your socked and scratch your back, to wash your close and to allow my body to be something you can use to bring you pleasure without a desire to cause my heart to feel your love of affection just to be used. I can’t stand it I can’t stand it. I want to yell it out. Stop it it hurts me that even when we begin you ignore my deepest need, it is your affection it is your seed. Come and love me my husband and don’t forget my pleasure for you but with it comes a longing to be totally into you.
These words are not for you Jesus but my thoughts for my earthly husband. They are not all clearly the truth but more my thoughts in my hurt and in my pardon. I ask you Jesus to take this hurt and burn it deep inside. I ask that you forgive me for hold judgement and pride. You are my source you are my maker, you are my love, and I want you more than anything. So I release this stuff and As I do I see the glass of this ugliness and judgement and you take me through it and as I do the pain and judgement is left and burned off of me. As I see it remain in this mirror I look from the other side and all I see is pride. It is a spirit and it is ugly. I realize and recognize that it is not anything but ugly. You give me your sword and it is on fires I swing it with your help we hit the mirror and it shatters and burns and every bit of pride is gone with this simple word. I am a bride and you are not welcome. I am not longer a slave but a bride and Jesus is dwelling on the inside. With a weight of regret and a weight of rejection lifted off my shoulders I see my Jesus you look at me and All I can do is sing for joy with one look at you. I find my eyes fixed on your beautiful eyes as the look at me a see a place of joy and delight for freedom is where I want to be. I stand strong and brave knowing this is a better then any cave because you love me.
Jesus: Do you see what’s ahead my love it isn’t a place of sadness but rather of Love because now your boundaries are not set for pleasure but rather it is set for my greater measure.vAs I looked ahead I saw our home and I saw the beauty of the willow trees I never noticed the flowers that brought glorious warmth and delight to thee. You hurried and we ran hand and hand like kids once more excited to get home and wrestle on the floor. As we stepped upon the porch I saw you climb up to the window of a higher room and as I laughed I heard you say.
Jesus: Come and get me, you know where I can stay.
Me: Haha I will find you and I will
I ran through the door and I heard His laughter I
Looked for the stairs and ran straight for the banisters quickly I
Climbed skipped steps until I reached the door. As
I entered inside I realized that the floor went out the door. I continued to walk past the observation room and there right past it was a roof that looked like one big pillow fight that never left. As I stepped on through You you threw your first pillow and I dropped to the floor not expecting it at first but feeling like a kid once more I laughed so hard at the surprised I couldn’t believe How tickled I was inside. With a great big laughs and a floppy wobbly stance on my feet I jumped onto you and we wrestled and tickled like we were three. Our laughter echoed over the lake and with it the birds rose and came to observe our kiddish out takes.
Suddenly our breath had settled and our grip
Had become smooth. As we held each other tightly and enjoyed this very good mood. With this moment of deep breathing I felt your kiss on my neck and my body felt like a battery inside had hit the ceiling. You turned right over and began to kiss and hug and then suddenly I realized this was turned to something I truly loved.
You kissed my cheek and you kissed
my hand and with came the feeling of being at loves deep deep Bend
Jesus: Look at my my love, you are my love. Don’t be ashamed to look and see the beauty of what we do in love. Kissing my hand he moved up
My arm and continued to go until
I felt every kiss even in my toes. Suddenly I thought I can’t believe it’s been a place
That totally brings surrender. as
He kisses my arm and up to my
Neck I am sure my whole body was completely a wreck for deep inside Intrembled with my body’s pleasure and deep inside I ached and inside I
Longed for this, because there is such beauty inside our deepest kiss. As I layed my hands upon His hair and shoulders my hands felt the warm of the Glory of His to behold. Suddenly from deep inside came this explosion of His deep deep pleasure. Suddenly I realized He have come into me and deep love was out door.! ecstasy came sweetly and cause my mouth to gasp with pleasure forevermore.